For Lovers Only Read online

  Joel and Renee had changed too much to be together. Renee’s embrace loosened. Joel got the subtle hint that it was time to let go.

  When Joel arrived at his apartment after work that evening it looked like a hurricane had hit the entire place. He knew that his apartment hadn’t been burglarized because his computer, plasma and LCD TVs and other expensive electronic equipment were untouched. He knew that his apartment had been struck by Hurricane Renee.

  Joel figured that Renee played hooky from work and removed most of her belongings. He saw that she had removed everything except for a bunch of gaudy pieces of fabric that she called evening gowns, some old ugly multicolored knit sweaters, two pairs of dusty hooker boots and a few pairs of worn-out high-heeled shoes with broken straps.

  The thing that shocked Joel most was finding Renee’s door key on the bedroom dresser. That wasn’t all. Attached to the key ring was Renee’s one-and-a-half-carat diamond ring. Women hardly ever returned rings, and Joel saw this as Renee’s arrogant way of saying that she no longer needed his friendship or his ring.

  For some strange reason, Joel felt empty and found himself drawn to the one who hurt him most. Maybe it was the fact that someone else wanted Renee. Was Robert really willing to marry her? The whole thing made him wonder if Robert saw something in Renee that he couldn’t. Maybe Robert brought out something special in her that Joel couldn’t.

  The most embarrassing thing was that Joel thought that he and Renee would sit down that evening to actually try and work things out one last time. Joel knew that somehow he had to shed his indecisiveness and try to get the message through his thick skull that there was nothing left to salvage when it came to his relationship with Renee.

  Joel understood that he had created a concept and had fallen in love with a woman who never really existed. Renee was never the woman Joel made her out to be. Everyone has the tendency to build people up and make them into someone greater than they could ever possibly be.

  He was bitter because Renee cheated on him, but for some unexplainable reason he still wanted her. It’s hard as hell for a man to admit to something like that. He hated Renee, but at the same time he loved her so much. She had disappointed Joel, even though he knew their breakup was inevitable.

  Chapter 4

  Joel and Renee met at an upscale nightclub in downtown Baltimore called Club One, two and a half years ago. He picked Renee out of a crowd of women, offered to buy her a drink and he’d been paying for that drink ever since.

  In public Joel and Renee were the type of couple who appeared to be in love one minute and the next minute, in private, they were completely at war—volatility at its finest. The simplest thing would set them off and lead to an argument with lasting effects.

  Joel and Renee knew for a while that their relationship had been stuck in neutral. All of their possibilities had already been maximized and completely exhausted. They couldn’t see a promising future together whatsoever. The weird thing was that for the longest time they just couldn’t break up. They had developed a fragile bond based on convenience. Instead of breaking up they used to act as if nothing was wrong and did crazy stuff like fantasize about their jacked-up future together. They joked about their ghetto-ass wedding day even though neither one of them wanted to marry the other.

  Renee craved attention from day one and Joel basically went along with just about everything she wanted. For example, the time Renee casually mentioned that she wanted a diamond ring, one that she and Joel both refused to label an engagement ring. Renee automatically referred to it as a friendship ring. To Joel calling it a friendship ring was a weak but appropriate title. He temporarily lost his mind and bought that ring, but he swore that he had no intention of marrying Renee. Buying that ring was more or less about going through the motions in a strained relationship and trying to keep his girl happy. In reality, Joel viewed that one-and-a-half-carat diamond friendship ring as a small price to pay to keep Renee’s big mouth shut.

  Fortunately there was never any talk of kids or accidental pregnancies. They were always extra careful when it came to involving a new and innocent life in their messy relationship. More proof that they didn’t intend on anything too serious or long-term.

  Things between Joel and Renee weren’t always bad. When they first hooked up he knew that she was a high maintenance type. She told him that it took lots of effort to keep up her Beyoncé appearance. What guy wouldn’t want a beautiful celebrity-lookin’ chick on his arm? If it meant kicking out a little cash to get Renee’s hair and nails done, then Joel was fine with that because she made him happy and happiness meant everything to him.

  Renee had her own cash flow. She worked as a disability claims processor for the Social Security Administration. Joel’s first impression of Renee was that she was a glamorous well-educated sista with a decent career. He was incredibly impressed. Here was this Howard University graduate, no kids, career-oriented, low debt-to-income ratio and a slammin’ body that any man would love to have. When Joel seriously thought about it he knew that some serious drama had to come along with this one: Renee was too good to be true.

  Like most beautiful overconfident women, Getting Over was the name of Renee’s game. The thing that bothered Joel most was that she used her looks to get whatever she wanted from him and her body to get whatever else was left. In the beginning Joel was just plain ole pussy whipped. Renee had the whip appeal for real. She had him wrapped around her little finger and eating out of the palm of her hand from the moment they first laid eyes on each other.

  After dating for six months, Renee asked if she could move into Joel’s cozy little one bedroom apartment located in the Owings Mills section of Baltimore County. Renee was in Joel’s life, in his heart, so he thought why not his apartment. Being the accommodating type of man that he was, Joel welcomed Renee with open arms.

  Joel was a graduate of Morgan State University and now a fifth grade social studies teacher with a pretty decent income. He automatically assumed that with their combined incomes, he and Renee were about to be elevated to a new socioeconomic level. He thought their relationship was moving in the right direction—he was delusional. The excitement and initial steady flow of great sex often has that effect.

  He felt that the best way he could get to know Renee was if they tried living together. He assumed from her personality and general appearance that Renee would be an absolute pleasure to live with—even though he never had the opportunity to see Renee’s old apartment on a real functional level. When they met she had most of her belongings boxed up or lying in huge piles all over her apartment. Renee blamed the clutter and confusion on the fact that she was in the process of moving. Joel believed her because he thought there was no way a fine-ass woman like Renee could purposely be living in a junk pile.

  Joel’s apartment was full of art and imported furniture. His place could have easily been featured in a magazine. When Renee moved in, it slowly began to resemble an obstacle course. Organization was important to Joel, but he eventually got used to having tons of makeup and other beauty supplies all over his bedroom and bathroom. He couldn’t get used to tripping over expensive high-heeled shoes, designer handbags, and blow-dryer and curling-iron cords.

  When Joel said something to Renee about the condition of his apartment, her response was, “I’m still getting settled in.”

  He frowned and said, “It’s been almost a year now.”

  Renee was very squeamish about doing housework. Cooking and cleaning were at the bottom of her list of priorities. Renee and Joel ate out every weekend and at least two to three weeknights per week. Joel’s money was going fast with Renee living with him. He was paying most of the bills. In the meantime, Renee’s money was going even faster because of her incessant shopping habits and mandatory monthly spa treatments. She was a broke-ass wannabe who was in love with an upscale or celebrity lifestyle. All she knew was running up to New York to Bergdorf Goodman and Saks Fifth Avenue for fashions by Prada, Gucci, Dolce & Gabbana, Mano
lo Blahnik and Marc Jacobs.

  Joel almost lost his mind when Renee suddenly traded in her reliable little red BMW 325i for a brand new fully loaded white Cadillac Escalade. He thought that getting that expensive oversized SUV was nothing but a power move. Renee loved to pull up next to his black Jeep Cherokee and look down at him. From that point, Joel knew that there wasn’t any way he could possibly marry Renee. Relationships are supposed to be give and take, but from Renee’s end it was all take. She was a parasite and too superficial.

  A stupid little voice in Joel’s head said, Don’t give up on Renee. You can change her.

  Instead of changing Renee, Joel felt himself changing. He never imagined enduring so much drama from any woman. Renee continued to change into a complete phony. She lied to all of her friends about investments she supposedly had and how much money she had been saving up to buy a huge new house in Prince George’s County. Renee wasn’t saving jack. Joel was the only one with investments and he had been saving for a house long before he met Renee.

  Renee began to show personality traits that Joel never knew she possessed. At one time Renee was cute and affectionate, but that side had taken a backseat to her psychotic side. She had turned into a rebellious child—it was her way or no way. She became temperamental, unreasonable and very argumentative.

  Renee used other couples to gauge her relationship with Joel. She would say things like, “Tim and Nicole just bought a new house in Howard County. We need to hurry up and get ours. Jajaun bought Pam a diamond ring, I need one, too. Did you see Kia and Rick’s new Lexus truck? People are starting to notice that your Jeep is getting old. It’s time to trade that in because I can’t be seen in that thing. We’d look real nice in a Mercedes-Benz 500 SL.”

  Joel wasn’t cheap, but more like frugal. He was in his mid-twenties and already saving money for an early retirement. At the rate he was investing and saving money, wealth was definitely in his future. And then there was Renee and all of her friends, the compulsive shoppers. They were broke as hell, but their dumb asses would do just about anything to look rich.

  Before long, Renee was living paycheck to paycheck, acting as if the instant-wealth fairy was going to appear any day and grant her a wish for everything her money-grubbing heart desired.

  Joel admitted to being a fool—a fool in love. He knew that his biggest problem was being stuck on stupid and trying to make things work between him and Renee. He considered Renee a well-educated woman who lacked common sense. To him there was a big difference between a well-educated woman and an intelligent woman. A well-educated woman had been taught—supplied with the knowledge she lacked. On the other hand, an intelligent woman is naturally equipped with knowledge and common sense and really knows how to apply herself in real-life situations.

  Before long, communication between Joel and Renee had drastically changed because of mutual suspicions of cheating, jealousy, boredom, and general lack of interest. The romance factor was at absolute zero—gone. Their sexual relationship was shaky at times, but remained their common link. Everything around them was falling apart. The only thing they were building was an impenetrable wall that separated them even more. They both realized the relationship’s downward spiral had gained too much momentum to be stopped. A breakup was inevitable, and they were too distracted and too stubborn to try to stop it.

  Some days Joel felt like he was dying inside. He had lost his sexy best friend and lover of more than two years. Now the woman who slept next to him every night was more like a beautiful stranger with an unpredictable personality that made her ugly.

  For months Joel sensed that his relationship with Renee was coming to an end. For some reason his heart and mind only wanted to hold on to the highlights from the past and the few remaining good qualities she possessed.

  He wanted to beat Renee to the punch by ending their unstable relationship as soon as possible, because he didn’t want her to have the last word or the last laugh. The crazy thing was that for a while Joel was way too comfortable and attached to actually do anything like carry out the dramatic breakup scene that had been repeatedly replaying in his mind.

  Chapter 5

  Breaking up is hard, but starting over after a major breakup can be even harder. Joel tried to rebound and get back on the dating scene. He let his best friends Greg and Dave talk him into going back to Club One, the same nightclub where he met Renee. Joel had known Greg and Dave since elementary school. They went to the same church and played sports together from recreation leagues, AAU to high school. Joel respected Greg and Dave’s opinions even though he knew they were professional bullshitters. Greg was a bus driver for the Mass Transit Administration and Dave was a Baltimore city policeman, which meant these two worked closely with the public and met women all day long. They were single and planned to stay single. On the other hand, Joel was a serial monogamist looking for love and a decent relationship.

  Whenever Joel went to Club One he was traumatized because all he could see was haunting images of Renee everywhere he looked. It was so bad that he could even smell her scent flowing through the air. The last time he went to the club he left without telling Greg and Dave. They were so busy mackin’ that hours had gone by before they even noticed.

  Two-and-a-half years is a long time to be with one person, and in that time Renee had become a major part of Joel’s life. In a way, she was part of him. It had only been a little over a month since Renee walked out of his life. Not being able to hear her voice was strange and not seeing her was even stranger.

  Joel’s job was really the only thing keeping him going and now that the school year was coming to an end he wasn’t sure where to direct his attention.

  Occasionally he experienced difficult days and this was one of them. He sat at his desk in an empty classroom, missing Renee and writing a poetic piece from his random and free-flowing thoughts. Joel wondered if Renee would have understood him better if she could have read his thoughts.

  Renee,

  Open your eyes ... really open them. Free your heart and mind for a minute. My eyes are open ... I can see and feel the beauty within you. Can I speak to your mind? I’d like your heart to listen too. I hope you feel me on this. If I could take a beautiful journey into your mind, would you allow me inside? What would I find? Would I find the real you, the one I fell in love with? Would I find myself? And if I found myself would I like your perception of me? What I’m really asking is, if I could see myself through your eyes, would I like what I saw? Would I recognize my image or would I appear as a distorted picture of the man I used to be? Could you still see me if I were invisible? Did you really see me when I was in your presence? Would you know me now? If I ceased to exist would my image still linger in your mind? If I couldn’t speak could you still hear my voice? Can you hear me now? Do you ever speak to me in your mind and if so, what do I say? If your heart spoke to me could I decipher the message? Would I wanna hear what it had to say and would it still speak the language I once loved to hear? Can you see and hear me now? Do you ever dream of me? Ever have daydreams ... wet dreams or any kind of dreams about us? Whatever makes you smile. Can you smile for me? Are you smiling on the inside right now? Do you ever wake up in the middle of the night and hold your pillow, wishing it was me? If your pillow could talk what would it say? Would it tell me of the times it was soaked with your tears and how it soothed your pain and gently caressed your head in my absence? Can I speak to your body? Does it miss me? Can you still feel me, like I still feel you? Can you really hear me or should I bring my lips a little closer? Do you think I still know every inch of you? I’m still talking to your body. I miss your hips, your sexy dips and all of your lips. Damn, can I make you smile on the inside and come on the outside? Can I take a journey inside you? Submerge deep within your soul ... a soul like no other I’ve ever known. Are you afraid? Can I go there? I wanna take you there and together we can drown in intimate emotions. I wanna feel you. I want you to feel me. I’ll cry ... you’ll cry and together we can stand t
he pain, share the pleasure, and face any fears. As we stand here at the threshold of fantasy and reality, can I take that journey, that journey inside you? But before we do anything, can you please tell me where we went wrong?

  LUV4U,

  Joel

  Someone knocked at Joel’s classroom door. He looked through the door’s tiny glass window and saw Mrs. Betty Kelly, the school’s stiff and often uptight principal staring at him. Because she was always busy and extremely task oriented, Joel feared that she had something for him to do. Mrs. Kelly was traditional in every sense, from her clothes to her demeanor. If they made a television reality show about her life it would be called, Lifestyle of a Prudish Principal. She was really sweet, but unfortunately her job as principal automatically made her unpopular and the natural enemy of everybody in the school.

  The students and some of the faculty at Mary E. Rodman Elementary referred to her as Smelly Kelly because of the unmistakable odor of her cheap perfume, Burly Betty because she was morbidly obese and Funeral Face because of her thick layers of dull makeup. Someone needed to come up with a name for her wicked synthetic auburn wig.

  Joel wasn’t in the mood for talking at all. He took a deep breath and put on a fake smile. “Come in.”

  As soon as the door opened Mrs. Kelly’s scent rushed inside, filling the air before she even stepped one foot inside of Joel’s classroom, making him sneeze.

  Mrs. Kelly gave Joel a rare smile that made him expect to see her makeup crack. “Hi, Mr. Davis. God bless you.”

  “Thank you.”

  “You must have some type of seasonal allergy.”

  Joel played it off and said, “I don’t know. Guess it’s just something in the air.”

  “Could be, you never know.” She paused and said, “In case you’re wondering, I just stopped by to thank you for another successful school year. You already know you’re one of my favorite teachers and you never cease to amaze me.”